I know this post is old, and you don’t have neurodivergent children, but I’d really like to get any advice you can provide. It’s a long one but I will try to cut it down.

I have an ADHD and ODD 8-year-old child (3rd grade age). Due to her increasing misbehavior with me, my ex-husband has been the primary caregiver since Oct.

She doesn’t follow the most basic rules with me, like brushing her teeth and hair, changing into her pajamas, etc. She behaves much much better for her grandparents and my ex. She fights with me every time screen time is over, even though I give her 3 reminders, and she knows she needs about 30 minutes before bed without a screen. Like running away with the remotes fighting.

My ex-husband doesn’t get why there need to be rules and consequences. Even if we do an activity on the weekends, it’s a 14 hour day. After, she will only agree to the pool or screens (obv it’s too cold in Fl for the pool right now). She always fights me on ending screen time 30 min before bed.

The screen behavior, in addition to not following the basic rules, is a consistent problem. My ex always blames me and never holds her accountable. When I say it’s not healthy for her to have 5 1/2+ hrs of screens on a weekend, he says her time with me should be “all fun.” The therapists (mine and hers) both say I have to be stricter in enforcing the rules, which I agree with.

My ex thinks that me being stricter will set a negative tone that will make her behavior worse. He has always blamed me for her behavior. Still a narcissist.

I bought a townhouse iin ’23 in what turned out to a very anti-social, family neighborhood, so she doesn’t have friends here. I set up as many playdates with outside people as possible on the weekends, and always look for activities.

I told him that she can have fun with me, but we don’t want a 13 yr-old who doesn’t listen to rules and disrespects her mother.

I’ll try saying/doing things differently, but until her behavior improves, he insists we stay with the same schedule. Paraphrasing what I’ve read: co-parenting is hard, co-parenting with a narcissist is even harder, and co-parenting with these issues plus a neurodivergent child is even harder.

Lucky me – I hit the tri fe cta (autocorrect). Please send me any advice you can. I don’t have any support network.

Thank you

Jessica

Family baggage is heavier for some and lighter for others. We take as long as it takes to live now. After accepting my family trauma (my Mom was bi-polar) and my ex’s Mom and Dad drinking patterns, I live my life. Working on being non-judging and really going with the flow. Thinking before I speak and reading more.

Blessings to you for writing this and all you do.