I want to preface this post by saying that all parents do things differently. What’s right for some families is not necessarily right for all, and it’s really important to listen to your instincts and to respect your own viewpoints as a parent. Part and parcel with that is also respecting the parenting styles of others, even if it’s not how you like to do it. This schedule is by no means the only “best way”, it’s just the way that works best for my family, and my kids. Please only take the advice from me that works for you, and of course, run any and all changes with your kids’ feeding and sleeping schedule with your pediatrician!
So, anybody who has been along for the ride on reztt.com over the years, knows that I’m a pretty “scheduled” parent. Being a Mom and running my business hasn’t been easy circus to juggle, and I’ve found that knowing what to expect from my kids’ day (and my kids being able to count on this too) has really helped me stay on track and make sure that they are sleeping and eating at predictable times. In short, it’s saved my sanity! I’ve written blog posts on baby sleep routines, and on my solo nighttime routine with my two kids, but I thought it would be a fun idea to share Mateo’s schedule with you guys throughout his first year. Of course, like anything with a baby, this isn’t a perfect science. He/we have “off days” sometimes and what I do in those cases is just stay as close to the schedule as I can, and then start from the beginning (7am) the next day. It’s incredible how quickly and well babies and kids can pick up a routine, in my experience. Just stick to it and eventually, they will figure it out!
It took Mateo until about 10 days postpartum to regain his birth weight of 7lbs 11oz. Until he did, I was basically feeding on demand, which ended up being every two hours or so. He was sleeping whenever he wanted, and I would wake him up to feed. After he gained back his birth weight, my milk was in really strongly, and I was able to feed him a lot at each feeding time. At around three weeks, I started putting him on a feeding schedule of every three hours starting at 7am. The following has been his schedule as of three weeks old. I will address sleep after his feeding schedule! In general, his pattern is “Sleep-Feed-Play” for each cycle.
7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 7pm. (I will use the pacifier to help him get to the next feed time if he wakes up earlier than normal from his nap).
After each feeding, I burp him, hold him up for 10-20 minutes to help him digest, and then “play” for a while. At this age, playtime just means awake time. I will try to do some tummy time with him on his play mat, or on a swaddle blanket on the floor or on the bed (supervised of course!) Or put him in his bouncy chair for ten to fifteen minutes at a time. I normally don’t let him be awake for longer than an hour or so after a feed, or I find that he gets overstimulated.
After each portion of “playtime”, I put Mateo in his crib, in his room, with the curtains drawn and a sound machine on. I do not rock him to sleep! I also use a Summer Infant Swaddle Me Swaddle. He does not use a pacifier to sleep. He normally naps from anywhere from 45 minutes to two hours. I will wake him up to feed at his normal feed time. This is how I ensure that he gets enough calories during the day that he will sleep “through the night” (or fairly close to it). His last feed of the day is at 7 pm. At this time, I make sure that all signs indicate that this is NOT a nap. I speak in a soft voice to him, I give him a bath before feeding him, and when I’m burping him, I sing the same three songs. Then I put him down for the night. From four weeks old, he has been sleeping from 7 pm until around 5:30 or 6 am. When he wakes up “during the night” (aka before his wake up time of 7 am) I keep the room dark, change his diaper without speaking to him, feed him, burp him, re-swaddle him, and place him back in his bed. Then I wake him up at 7 am to start the day. Yes, I even do this if he has gone to sleep 20 or 30 minutes earlier. This is to train him that 7 am is his permanent wake up time and that this is the time we are going for ultimately. I have done this with all three of my kids, and they end up sleeping 7 pm to 7 am by 3 or so months old!
Here is Mateo’s Schedule for the day in printable format in case you would like to follow it!
In the next two months, my goal is to work towards feeding him every four hours instead. He’s starting to eat between 5-6 ounces per feed, so I’m noticing that he’s able to last a bit longer between feeds and is beginning to sleep longer nap times during the day. I will update you guys as the next phase of his schedule is solidified! Please post any questions you may have in the comments below!
Photographs by Julia Dags.
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**Many thanks to Motif Medical for sending me this pump and sponsoring this post. As always, the thoughts and opinions expressed below are entirely my own.**
By my third Motherhood “Rodeo” I’ve certainly learned a lot, especially about what I do and don’t like when it comes to baby gear. With my first two kids, I had very different breastfeeding journeys – but both times, I relied a lot on my breast pump…and I was super disappointed, to say the least. I couldn’t stand pumping, mostly because it took so dang long! I felt like every single time it would take me forever to get however much milk I needed, and that the process wasn’t as efficient as it could be. This time around with Mateo, I’m still using a breast pump but my experience has been SO different – and that’s because I finally found the best breast pump ever…AND it’s covered by insurance! I’ve been singing its praises on social media the past six weeks or so, but today I’m really excited to share with you the love I have for the new Motif Medical Luna Breast Pump. It has totally changed the game for me!
Pumping is a great way to either up your milk supply in between feeds, or pump extra milk to store and bottle feed for later. I even know some mamas who exclusively pump and bottle feed the whole time because they prefer feeding their baby pumped milk from the bottle. Whatever your style, I think all Moms can agree that what we want most from a breast pump is to extract that precious milk as easily and quickly as possible. And as discreetly as possible!
The Motif Medical “Luna” is a pretty little machine with a ton of power. I am, quite frankly, amazed by how much milk I’m able to pump in almost no time. For example, it takes me 3-4 minutes to pump four or five ounces on one side! My last breast pump did that in 10 or 12 minutes! The Luna has a little night light on it that helps me when I’m pumping in the night to relieve engorgement, and since it takes so little time to relieve me, I’m able to fall back to sleep really easily. It’s also really quiet so it doesn’t wake Mateo if he’s sleeping beside me. Another perk that the Luna has a closed system so that milk doesn’t get into the tubing or suction parts of the pump – way fewer parts to stress about cleaning daily!
When I’m pumping with the Luna, I like to use the 42 cycles Expression setting at Level 6. Once I’ve had the pump on my breast for about a minute, I increase the level to 7 or 8, but I’ve never had to go above that. I normally pump about 4 minutes on each side to express milk after a feeding, or 1 to 2 minutes on each side to relieve engorgement. If I’m replacing a feeding with a pump, I will pump one side for 6 minutes. Obviously every woman is different, but I thought I would include my own pumping schedule below, since I’ve been getting questions about it! I’m not leaving the house for work right now since we are all quarantined, so I’m not replacing many feeds with pumps at the moment. Once I’m back at the office, I will be using this pump in place of breastfeeding Mateo for most of the feeds of the day!
This is when my breasts are the most full, so after feeding Mateo, I pump to get extra milk to freeze. I pump about 2 minutes on whichever side he ate on, and then 3-4 minutes on the other side. I’ve saved so much milk this way!
My last feed of the day is at Mateo’s bedtime at 7 pm. I like to pump before I go to bed, so that I can ward off getting super engorged. He’s now doing longer stretches at night, but they aren’t 100% consistent yet. I will pump for 2-3 minutes on each side before bed, and then save the milk to freeze.
If Mateo does a longer stretch at night (Yay!), my breasts get really engorged with milk. I pump a minute or so as needed to relieve each breast. I usually do this once or twice a night, and the milk really adds up!
This Giveaway is now closed. Thank you to everyone who entered and congratulations to our winner:
Please check your email for details on how to receive your Motif Luna!
Since I’ve been genuinely LOVING my Motif Medical Luna pump these last couple of months, I thought I would give one away to an HEA Mama!
To Enter: Comment below using your name and a valid email address with your favorite AND least favorite thing about breastfeeding.* We all know the process has its ups and downs! LOL. Entries will be accepted until May 12th, 2020 at 11:59 PM EST. One entry per person. I will randomly select one winner on May 13th, 2020, who will be notified by email.
Please read the full terms below before entering. Good Luck!
NO PURCHASE OR PAYMENT OF ANY KIND IS NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN.
By entering this Giveaway, you will be bound by these Terms & Conditions and you acknowledge that you satisfy all eligibility requirements.
Eligibility. Open to individual legal residents of the 50 United States and the District of Columbia who are 18 years of age (or the age of majority in their state) or older, with a valid (non-P.O. Box) U.S. mailing address. Void where prohibited by law. Subject to all applicable federal, state, and local laws and regulations.
How To Enter. You may enter the Giveaway between May 6th, 2020 at 7:00 AM EST and May 13th, 2020 at 11:59 PM EST via the entry method described below:
Prize Details and Delivery. The winner will receive:
All prizes are for personal use only, non-transferable, with no cash redemptions and/or substitutions.
Winner Selection and Official Rules. Each entry will be assigned a number, and the winner will be chosen at random by Google’s Random Number Generator, and announced on May 14th, 2020. The winner will be notified via email and must respond within 7 days. REZTT will make only one attempt to notify the winner at the email address provided by the entrant. If we do not receive a response to our notification email for any reason by the specified time, we have the right to select a new winner. The winner will be listed on this page on the date specified for 7 days before a new winner is chosen.
Photographs by Julia Dags
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After Major was born, I was sure I was done having babies. A few things factored into that decision, but mostly I was completely and utterly overwhelmed. Moving across the country and adding a child to our family within a year knocked me on my butt big time. The first year of Major’s life was a total blur, and I felt like I was barely treading water most of the time. I was also dealing with some mental health struggles that made me feel anxious and vulnerable. Overall, the idea of ever being able to handle three kids (on top of my growing business) seemed like an impossibility.
When Kyle and I decided to go for baby number three last year, I was a little nervous. My experience going from one to two kids was SO insane– it had really taken us an ENTIRE year to feel like we were leveling out as a family. Even if we wanted to go for a third child, would we be able to handle it? Would I be able to handle it? I got pregnant with Mateo immediately, and my days wondering if it was the right decision were thus immediately over. The train had left the station, ladies, and gentlemen! LOL. I was really excited to add to my brood, and I always love being pregnant, but the nervousness about what going from two to three kids would be like lingered with me the entire pregnancy. Once I knew I’d be doing it as a single Mama, I was even more nervous!
My experience going from two to three kids has been so far from what I had feared, though. I feel, hands down, that going from two to three has been easier than going from one to two, and I wanted to share my takeaways about why! I’m under two months into the experience, of course, but since the newborn phase is always the hardest, I feel pretty good about writing this blog post. I guess I’ll have to give you another update a year or so from now when Mateo starts scooting around the house and giving me heart attacks daily. Ha! Here are my takeaways:
One of the biggest reasons that I can identify for why this time around has been WAY easier is all of the work I’ve done on myself. While I had been to therapy on and off for a couple of years by the time Major was born, it was really in the wake of my Postpartum Depression and Anxiety, and the PTSD from his accident, that I started to do really focused work on myself. I have learned so much about myself in the last few years, and I’ve become so much stronger as a person. Coming into third-time-motherhood from this newly empowered place has helped me be a calmer, stronger, and better Mother to all three of my kids– not just my newborn!
Never underestimate good old fashioned EXPERIENCE. As a first time Mama, everything was nerve-wracking and a novelty. It improved slightly the second time around, but I found myself second-guessing myself a lot of times and not feeling very settled into my identity as a Mom. This time around, I know how I like to do things, the products I like, and what works for me and for my kids. For example, I know I like my kids sleeping in their own cribs, I know I like to swaddle them a certain way, I know I want to sleep train and have my babies on schedules, and I know my limits when it comes to breastfeeding. I don’t impose my “way” on other Moms, and I don’t let others’ opinions impact me. And, most importantly, I don’t judge myself for the parts of all of it that go wrong or not according to plan. I feel I’ve truly and finally become “seasoned” in my motherhood journey and I’m so thankful for the peace and grace that has given me this time around!
Ok, so I’ve decided something: it’s not about the number of kids you have, its about THE SPACING. I look back on when Major was a baby…and Marlowe was a baby too! They are 26 months apart, and I didn’t even realize at the time how bananas that made the whole experience. I obviously know that people have kids way more close in age than that, but for me, it was a huge challenge. Marlowe wasn’t at all independent when Major was a newborn, and as a result, I had to bring her along with me every time I did anything with him around the house. Wrangling both babies at once was so hard, and being on a double diaper schedule was even harder. Plus, Marlowe wasn’t able to fully communicate her needs to me, which resulted in a lot of frustration and tantrums on her end as she adjusted to a new normal. This time around, the age gap between Major and Mateo is 3.5 years, and it is GREAT. Both Marlowe and Major are super independent, in a fantastic groove with each other, and on a schedule that works great for them. As a result, they have adjusted so well to the chaos that can come with a newborn in the home and are able to do their own thing while I feed him, change a diaper, or get him to sleep. Plus, THEY sleep. Which is not to be underestimated at all.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve asked Marlowe or Major to grab me a diaper, wipes, a burp cloth, or my phone, I’d have…oh, wait. Maybe I should be giving them that dollar. LOL. Please nobody tell my kids about allowance yet! But seriously, I’m so grateful to my sweet helpers for being so mature and recognizing that as a family we all need to work together right now. They are also both so EXCITED to help! It’s been really amazing to notice the difference there is when my kids are a bit older and able to really understand the magic of adding a new sibling to the mix. They both rush to come into his room with me when he wakes up from a nap, and snuggle him all day long when I’m breastfeeding or if he’s hanging out. They can’t wait until he can actually play with them, of course, but for now, I’ve been surprised by how connected they feel to him just as their baby brother who needs a great deal of love and attention.
When I was pregnant with Mateo, anyone and everyone with three kids would reach out to me and tell me not to worry, that third babies “know their place in the family” and that their job is to basically be the chill little sidekick who gives Mama an easy time. I didn’t believe this, of course, since how could it be possible for a newborn to sense their birth order? But Mateo came out SUPER chill, with just the vibe we needed during these crazy times. He’s the sweetest soul and the easiest baby. And he loves to be held and snuggled. Of course, this makes for some trickier times at bedtime, since his dream is to just sleep nuzzled in my neck every night (LOL. Boys.) but overall he’s been so cut and dry about his needs and just going with the flow when we need him to. I’ve ALSO heard that third babies, and boys, in particular, get a little wild and crazy as toddlers….so stay tuned for my post about pulling my hair out during that phase! Ha!
Overall, this experience has proven yet again that sometimes the things and dynamics that we are most worried about turn out to be the very thing we don’t have to worry about. It’s taught me to live in the moment more, and that being concerned about the future is really a pointless endeavor. I know that having three kids instead of two will have many, many sets of challenges through the years– but easing in to this dynamic with a lot less stress than I was expecting has helped me face it with courage and grace. At least for now. I would love to hear from any other Mamas with three kids: did you find that adding a third child was easier than adding a second?
Please share in the comments below!
Photos by Julia Dags
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*IMPORTANT NOTE: This blog post was so bittersweet to write, as the experience of birthing Mateo marked the precipice of one of the most devastating pandemics in global history. He was born just days before social distancing orders were put in to effect, and at a time when we knew very little about the virus. While everybody at the birth was keeping track of their own health, washing hands, and monitoring themselves as per common sense and the guidelines at the time, we all knew little of the COVID-19 virus or what it would go on to do. In our little community, and beyond. I look back and am so grateful that we were all healthy, and that I was able to have a birth in the way that I did– since guidelines are now much, much stricter.
My pregnancy with my third child was filled with so many ups and downs. As I got closer to the end, and to meeting our second sweet boy, there were so many doubts in my mind. I vacillated almost daily between feelings of empowerment, and deep-rooted fears and insecurities. I was birthing in a different way than I had before and was about to be a single Mama of three kids. In many ways, Mateo’s arrival would mark the beginning of a new chapter for me and for our family, and there were so many emotions accompanying that huge milestone. What has always proven to be true for me as a Mama is that each child brings with him or her a big personal lesson in the way they are born – an experience unique to them. As I settled into the fear of the unknown before my third birth, I should have known that this baby would bring with him a birth that was exactly as it was always meant to be. I’m so excited to share the story of how our sweet Mateo Antoni came earthside, on March 13th, 2020 at 3:58 pm – safely and swiftly at home, in the most beautiful affirmation of life, love, and our new modern family dynamic.
The night before Mateo was born, I had some conversations that finally brought me some deep peace about the future. For the first time in a long time, I was feeling open to whatever my path held for me and really celebrating in my heart the fact that my life was moving in a different direction. As was true for Major’s birth, it turned out that exactly what I needed to do was surrender to life’s process in order for my baby to feel ready to make his appearance. I went to bed late, but happy, and woke up at around 5 am to use the bathroom. After I peed, I felt a little internal *pop*, and I felt my waters start to trickle out. Now, this totally shocked me, and was an immediate message that this birth would be very different and totally its own experience! My waters with Marlowe broke about a day into my 36 hour home birth, and my waters with Major NEVER broke. He was born en caul! I stood up and felt it slowly trickling. I knew from my midwife’s advice to lay down for a while and see what happened. For the next ten minutes, I felt the waters continue to leak, extremely slowly, trickle by trickle. All of a sudden, I realized that this was the day my son would be born.
With that realization, I felt such a rush of emotion: adrenaline, fear, excitement, and my Mama Bear planning mode. My senses went on high alert, and I realized for the first time that the most beautiful sounds of rain were pounding outside my windows. I opened the shades of my bedroom, and saw the rain falling in the dawn of the day, and thought “What a perfect day for my little Pisces boy to be born”. I’ve always found the rain to be so soothing, and I had been hoping and praying for a daytime birth. There has always been something a little scary to me about the still of night – and I felt a rush of gratitude that this baby boy was giving me a whole day to labor with him, with many hours of daylight ahead.
Since it was my third baby, I had been told by my Doula and midwives to call them immediately, as things could progress quickly. I had no contractions yet at all, or cramping. First, I called my Doula, Kelsi. I told her what I was experiencing and she seemed so excited and calm, that it made me feel both those emotions right along with her! Then, I called my Midwives. They asked me some questions about how I was feeling and what the waters were doing. I told them I had no contractions yet. They told me to rest a lot, to eat a little breakfast and keep hydrated, and to call them when labor started picking up. I also called Kyle to tell him that the process had started, and that we still had lots of time for him to make his way from the city. I could hear how excited he was, too, and that made me so happy. Next, I called my girlfriends! It was important to me to be surrounded by female energy for this birth, and I had a group of women ready to be there for me. I called one of my girlfriends and told her my water had broken! She was almost as excited as I was. LOL. She told me she’d get ready and come over to be with the kids when they woke up so I could rest. After alerting all the “troops”, I collected my energy to set some intentions and center myself.
When I was in labor with Major, I felt called to spend some time focusing my energy on my spiritual connections – and I felt the same calling this time around. I had begun to feel so emotional about this day being the day that we welcomed the newest member of our family and stepped forward in to a new normal for us. For all five of us. Kyle and I had officially ended our marriage a month earlier, but would continue our bond in a different way for the rest of our lives. This would truly be the beginning of a new dynamic, and one that I was sure would be much more positive for our family. But it still brought up so much. I knelt to steady myself, and leaned my forehead against my bed.
Closing my eyes, I spent some time thinking of the women in my family who came before me for generations and generations, and all of the children they had brought in to the world in a variety of circumstances, both good and bad. I spoke out loud to the people close to me who have passed away, and the two men that Mateo is named after. I asked them for their help and their blessing this day as I prepared to do some of the hardest work a woman can do with her body. I reminded myself that there were two beautiful souls sleeping in the next room who I had brought in to the world in just the same way…safely and strongly, with my own body and my own power. I allowed myself to cry, because crying felt good, and honest. When I was ready, I rose and made up my bed with clean sheets as a first layer, a waterproof sheet, and then a set of dark sheets for the birth. I lay some towels over it, changed my pants (my waters were continuously, slowly leaking) and I waited for my girlfriend to come over. When she got there, I felt SO much better. I still had no contractions, but I felt vaguely achy and it helped steady my so much to get excited with her and come up with a game plan. The kids started waking up, and we took a photo all three of us together to commemorate the beginning of the process. I tried to keep my energy really level and calm, and as my friend brought the kids down to feed them breakfast, I ate something and then crawled back in bed. From about 8:30 am until 12:30, I napped and rested. My doula arrived and put an essential oil blend in a diffuser for me. She brought me water, and communicated with everyone to make sure the kids were doing well downstairs, and that the midwives were abreast of what was going on. I ate snacks and stayed hydrated.
I went in and out with how I was feeling. Some moments, I felt worried and frustrated that the labor wasn’t progressing fast enough, and others I felt a fierce fear of what was ahead and knowing how hard it was going to be. Slowly, my aches turned it to more measurable contractions. They weren’t that close or long yet, but something in me knew it was time for Kyle to arrive at the house, and to call the midwives! Once I knew that Kyle was on his way, and the midwives were too, my contractions started to pick up. I got really scared. I suddenly remembered labor and how hard it was– how much my body was going to have to work and open to do this. I looked outside, and the day had miraculously turned from rainy to sunny and warm! I opened my window and could hear my kids playing with a couple of my girlfriends in the yard. Kelsi told me that they were baking a cake in the kitchen for Mateo’s birthday, and that all was well. I told her how scared I was that I couldn’t do it this time – that somehow I would be able to. She just held my head and let me cry, and told me that everything was ok. I felt an overwhelming feeling of both separateness and togetherness: while this experience was one that I was going to do completely by myself, with my own body and my baby, there was also a community around me keeping me safe and loved. I knew I had to surrender to the experience physically and let my body and my baby work together to bring him out to meet us.
At around 1:20, my midwives arrived, Kyle got to the house, and my active labor started. I got on all fours and stayed that way until Mateo was born! With each contraction, Kelsi would push down on my lower back and I would rock back and forth and I rode the wave. They were coming fast and close now, and very very intensely opening my body. I was surprised by how familiar the feeling was. It was as if my body really recognized what it was doing this time, and that I could tell completely what was coming next– even if the sensation was so intense and overpowering. My midwife kept taking my vitals, listening to the baby, and reminding me that everything happening was normal and was bringing my baby closer and closer. Every contraction came faster and stronger and brought me to the brink of my ability to bear them. Birth is as visceral an experience as there is, and I felt completely vulnerable AND powerful with each spasm and breath. I cried, and raged, moaned and begged. I prayed to trust myself and the process. Between contractions, I rested as best as I could and tried to find a comfortable position. I looked up a few times and told the women in the room that I couldn’t do this, that I didn’t want to and wasn’t ready to. Those beautiful women looked right back and me and told me I absolutely could, and I absolutely would. They refused to let me reduce myself to a fearful spirit, and I will forever be grateful.
As I went through transition and got closer to pushing, all I wanted was my kids. I asked my friend to bring the kids in to the room. It brought me to tears to see their sweet faces, and I held them close and told them how much I love them. I asked them if they wanted to stay in the room to watch their brother being born. Major said no and went outside the room to sit with Kyle, but Marlowe said she definitely did. She sat in my friend’s lap on the floor of my bedroom, so calm and serious. From time to time she would come to the bottom of the bed to really get a good view. In between contractions, she came to me, and fanned me with a piece of paper or cooled my head with a cloth. It brings me to tears to remember her that afternoon. Always, always my firstborn baby, but so big now in so many ways. The beauty of her curiosity and strength, her ability even as a small child to hold space for me in my moment of transformation, will be something I never ever forget. I have always been so proud of my daughter, but witnessing her in the essence of her own strength as a person made me the proudest I have ever been of her.
At the end of my third birth journey, I was surrounded by mothers, just as I had wanted to be. My daughter was there right beside me. My ex-husband, and forever co-parent, was downstairs with our son, waiting for the first cries of the newest member of our family. As I screamed and bore down to bring Mateo in to the world, I felt as much fire and fury as I always had during the final moments of birth, but so much hope too. I felt his head crowning, and then the relief and release of his body rushing behind it. I heard his cry, and the joyful laughter of my friends and daughter. I brought his body through my legs and to my chest, and I saw his face for the first time. His blue, open eyes, his wet hair and his full lips and dimpled chin. All at once, I recognized him and fell in love. This soul and spirit that was always meant for me– this bright, beautiful boy who has always been ours. The relief and gratitude I felt in that moment was immeasurable.
Everyone was crying and laughing as they helped me lay back in to the pillows with Mateo on my chest. Marlowe lay next to me, and Kyle and Major came in to the room to meet him. My heart was so full. Those next couple of hours were incredible and unforgettable. I birthed the placenta, Kyle and Marlowe both did skin to skin with him beside me, I breastfed him for the first time, and the midwives did the newborn exam and my exam as well. My girlfriends stood around the bed, and we laughed and cried together. We brought up the birthday cake and all sang Happy Birthday to Mateo together! Then we passed around cake and all had some…I have never tasted something so delicious. The energy in my bedroom was so powerful and incredible, and I felt so happy. All in all, Mateo’s birth was my fastest, with just under three hours of active labor. But lots of prep time! LOL.
We all couldn’t believe how much Mateo looked like Marlowe! My girlfriends looked on with so much curiosity and awe as they watched some of the post-birth-process happen for the first time! A couple of my girlfriends with multiple kids hadn’t ever even seen a placenta! It was so fun to experience that with them, and to chat about all of our birth experiences. My midwives made sure I got up to pee and that I was doing well before they started packing up to go. As my friend made me some pasta to eat while I settled into my cozy sweats, Kelsi shared some incredible info with me: that day was HER birthday too! And that morning when my labor started, I happened to call her at the exact time of her own birth. Yet again, I laughed at the incredible, magical coincidences that happen on birth days…and how right all of it felt. I was reminded yet again that, while sometimes it is impossible to see in-the-moment, there is always a greater context, a more vast and beautiful fabric of fate laid out before all of us, guiding us forward.
Mateo’s birth taught me to trust myself and my community, to lean in to my tribe, and to surrender to the unknown. It showed me that I have love in so many places, and that even the most delicate and heartbreaking of changes can still bring about the most beautiful futures. I have an unconventional family, for sure, but one I am so grateful for. One that is rooted in deep love and courage. I hope to continue in that sentiment down this motherhood journey as a Mama of three, and to continue to let Mateo teach me whatever lessons he brings with him.
I am SO grateful to my awesome birth team that was there for me every step of the way: Thank you to Tanya and Robina of Small Things Grow Midwifery for being such loving and steady badasses, and to Kelsi for being such a rock to me as a Doula and friend. And, of course, thank you to my glorious girlfriends for holding me, laughing with me, loving my children, and for taking about a thousand pictures and videos….even if most of them prominently feature my butthole. We are definitely bonded for life. LOL.
Photographs taken by Kelsi Kennedy and Julia Dzafic, and edited by Julia Dags
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Disclaimer: The content provided in this post is for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your health.
By Sarah Swanberg MS LAc, Founder Indigo Wellness Group & Co-Founder The Fruitful Program
Welcoming a new baby into the world is one of the most joyous moments women experience in life. That newborn smell, those delicious little feet, those perfect little lips… there’s really nothing better.
The fact that we can build these little humans inside of us and keep them safe for nine months is truly incredible. But what we don’t often talk about is the toll it takes on our bodies. The postpartum hormonal roller coaster is NO JOKE. Greater awareness of conditions like Postpartum Anxiety and Depression has helped to shed a little light on the role of hormones and mood, but there’s actually a lot more to it than that.
In my role as an acupuncturist specializing in women’s health, I have worked with countless women in the postpartum period to help regulate hormones and get them feeling “themselves” again. It’s such a gift to be part of this incredible stage of life for so many new mamas. Earlier this year, I launched a preconception program called The Fruitful Program to help women who are “thinking about” trying to conceive make changes in their lives to optimize their health and support their fertility.
In this program, we talk about the “Fruitful Five” fundamentals for hormone health, and while the focus of the program is about hormone balancing before baby, they apply to after baby, too, so I thought this would be a great platform to share it. Thanks for inviting me here, Eva!
Information is power, and I’m all about educating women about our bodies so we can better understand what’s actually happening, so let’s start there.
During pregnancy, our normal hormone balance shifts quite dramatically to create an ideal environment for your baby to thrive. Two of the most important reproductive hormones, estrogen, and progesterone, build steadily throughout pregnancy and are at their highest levels during labor.
Progesterone is produced by the placenta, so once the placenta is delivered after your baby makes his or her entrance, progesterone levels drop drastically and leave you in a state of imbalance. Add prolactin, the hormone responsible for breast milk, and oxytocin, the bonding hormone, into the mix, and things can feel pretty haywire. This relative estrogen dominance can lead to fatigue, headaches, irritability, weight gain, anxiety, depression, and even thyroid issues. Yes, a lot of this is normal, it’s not fun. The good news is there’s actually a lot that you can do to support your body’s return back to pre-pregnancy hormone balance.
Please be sure to talk to your doctor if you experience any symptoms of anxiety or depression that feel bigger than the common “baby blues” which usually only last for a week or two after birth. There are wonderful medications available to help treat postpartum mood disorders, and there should be no shame in asking for help if you need it.
It’s important to remember that these hormonal shifts are completely normal. Most women that I see in my practice think they just need to “wait it out”, and the truth is, a lot of these issues will self-regulate in a few months, but there’s also so much we can do to smooth things along. I’ve modified the Fruitful Five fundamentals for the new mama crowd below:
I know it’s easy to throw out our own self-care needs when are caring for a new little person, and possibly even adding him or her into the mix with other siblings. But after childbirth, our bodies can be really deficient (think of all you’ve just given away!) and this is a time to focus on rebuilding. Focus on nutrient-rich foods like whole grains, vegetables, and proteins.
Don’t skimp on fat, it’s incredibly important for hormone health, and regaining balance with hormones is going to be the quickest way to lose that extra baby weight. Limiting calories after birth can really backfire, so focus on what you’re adding in, not what you’re removing.
Hydration is also key, so make sure you are getting plenty of water, especially if you are breastfeeding. One of the most important ways that we clear excess estrogen out of our bodies is by pooping! Painkillers taken during birth, as well as painful tearing and hemorrhoids, can make this really challenging, so stool softeners and laxatives might be necessary to keep things moving here. Talk to your doctor if bowel movements are a real problem. We’ll discuss supplements for bowel health below.
I recommend that women stay on their prenatal vitamin after birth, for at least a few months, whether or not they are breastfeeding. A prenatal (or a multivitamin with added iron) can help provide a safety net for nutrient deficiencies after birth, and these vitamins and minerals are crucial for hormone production and regulation.
If you need help on the #2 front, adding in magnesium at night can do wonders. I prefer Magnesium Citrate to help keep things moving. Try taking 200-400mg magnesium citrate before bed. Bonus: magnesium is also very relaxing, so it might help you sleep better, too. Vitamin D and a probiotic are also on the top of my list for postpartum health!
I know, I know, never talk to a new mom about sleep. But repeat after me: NOTHING IS MORE HELPFUL TO OVERALL HORMONE HEALTH THAN SLEEP. Prioritize your ZZZs however you can, and once things have steadied out, you can get back to Instagram/Netflix/News binging/Whatever you’re in to. Get help whenever you can, sleep when baby sleeps, invest in earplugs and a sleep mask if someone else is around to listen for baby cries so that you can truly sleep.
Yes, bringing a new baby into the world is joyous, but it can also be really stressful! There’s so much to think about and new things to worry about. Relationships shift, childhood memories resurface… it’s A LOT. Honor all of these shifts! Wherever you can find room in your life to manage the stress, do it. This might mean date night with your partner, daily journaling, time outside in nature (with or without the babe), mommy and me yoga, meditation apps, or reminders to just breathe!
Remember how I mentioned that pooping is one way we clear excess estrogen from the body? Well, the organ that helps break down estrogen so that we can clear it out via poop is the liver. The liver is in charge of detoxification, so we don’t want to overload it while it’s doing its job in the postpartum period. Try to limit artificial chemical exposure in body products and cleaning products. Some of the biggest offenders are artificial fragrances and perfumes as well as BPAs and phthalates that are often found in plastics. Try to eat and drink out of glass, not plastic, whenever possible, and buy fragrance-free laundry detergents and body care products.
I also can’t recommend acupuncture highly enough! I see how helpful it is for the mamas who come into my office- we use specific points that help signal the part of the brain responsible for hormone regulation, and on top of that, it’s a time where you can deeply relax without thinking about baby’s needs which provides a much-needed brain break. If you’re in Fairfield County, come visit us at Indigo Wellness Group. Need postpartum nutrition guidance? Our nutritionist, Carolyn Brown MS RD offers 1:1 virtual sessions, perfect for new mamas!
** Indigo is currently closed due to the coronavirus. Until we reopen, we are offering virtual 1:1 Chinese Medicine consultations, herbal medicine consultations, fertility coaching and more. We’ve also launched the Indigo Wellness Academy, an online learning platform where you can find free and affordable classes including yoga & acupressure for Kids, acupressure tutorials, guided meditation and more.
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If miscarriage is seldom talked about, the feelings associated with pregnancy after a loss are even more seldom talked about.
I think there’s a misconception that once a woman conceives after a miscarriage, that somehow her miscarriage is erased – that the feelings of loss are replaced by feelings of joy for this new baby, and that everything moves forward as it should be. In my own experience, this couldn’t be further from the truth.
When I experienced my own devastating miscarriage at almost ten weeks pregnant in 2015, one of the deepest scars it left with me was fear. As I grieved the loss of my child, and what could have been, I was also paralyzed by a fear that I would never again have a healthy child. My miscarriage was so sudden, so unexpected. I had been into my doctor’s office for a perfect, normal ultrasound just the day before. I saw our baby moving and growing normally: its arms and legs, its perfect heartbeat, its size right on track. Then, our baby passed away inside me what must have been only a few hours later. The entire experience was traumatizing from the moment I knew my child was no longer living, all the way through the D&C, and the recovery period which reminds you every moment that your body is eliminating a pregnancy. Some women’s breasts even leak the milk they had been developing for their child in these days afterward.
I had always been a trusting person – able to believe that all would be OK even in the most stressful or unfortunate of circumstances, but now that felt idiotically naive. I understood for the first time not only how fragile life is, but how our hopes, dreams, and expectations are even more fragile. I realized at that moment, and in the thousands of moments afterward, that there is absolutely nothing special about my own hopes and dreams – that they are and always have been as delicate and vulnerable as the next person’s.
Gone was the illusion of “Good Luck” or “Fate” or “Meant To Be.” I entered a period of my life at that time where I felt the most vulnerable, and unsure of most of the things I believed and hoped to be true:
That I would get to choose how many children I would have, that my children would grow up safe and healthy, and that my family would always be OK in the end.
I’m sure these are common feelings felt by any grieving person. There are people who have lost children of all ages, even more than one, and I can’t imagine their heartbreak and depth of loss. I think this is one of the least understood things about loss of any kind:
That it seeps into every corner of a person’s life, that it changes them, and that their life after their loss is a different life than before.
I felt extremely misunderstood after my miscarriage, especially by people I knew that hadn’t experienced a pregnancy loss themselves. I think they hoped that time would heal, that after a period of grieving I would be all better and that it was best to wait it out. I got a lot of “reminders” that I would “have another baby”, that “it just wasn’t meant to be”, or reassurances that I would “eventually” have the family that I wanted.
What I wanted to tell these people was that I didn’t want “another” baby. I wasn’t interested in their “meant to be.”
I was interested in the baby that I had; the one that I loved and was waiting for. THAT ONE is the one that I wanted, and that one is the one that I will never have.
Above all, I was sure that every pregnancy I ever had again would end up this way – that it would seem perfectly fine and then one day the baby would be dead with no explanation. I was sure that I would never again birth a healthy child, hold them to my breast and touch their tiny fingers and toes.
For a while, I wouldn’t even discuss trying to get pregnant again. I felt resentful at the idea that we would just move on from the experience, “buy a new puppy”, so to speak. I wanted to figure out my feelings, to rage and sob and hold my daughter without trembling. I was so adamant that trying again wasn’t the right thing to do, until I looked inside myself and realized that my rejection of growing our family further was being fed and nourished by my fear.
I was so deeply afraid of the possible outcome of further loss that I was fighting even the idea of opening my heart again.
As anyone who has been through heartbreak knows, making yourself vulnerable after you’ve been deeply hurt is one of the hardest things to do. I was sick of living in fear, of having so many negative thoughts about my future, and having that fear affect the way I was living my life. After a lot of discussion with my husband, we both decided that the joy that another child would bring our family outweighed the challenges of another heartbreak. We decided to go into another pregnancy attempt with our hearts open and to hope always for the best.
Even with these intentions, it was terrifying when I learned I was pregnant again. I felt so many things. I was afraid of loss, of course, but I also felt fiercely protective, and above all;
a homesickness and longing for the baby that our family would never get to meet.
I didn’t feel like celebrating. I barely spoke of it. Kyle and I talked around it, almost. I was two weeks late before I even summoned enough courage to take a pregnancy test. I was reluctant to know my due date. I pushed off my ultrasounds, sure that each one would bring more devastating news. Each time I would begin to dream or think about this baby, I would hurry it from my mind. I threw myself into work, or into tasks and adventures with my daughter. I didn’t think of the nursery, of the baby’s face, or of our pregnancy announcement as I had so often with my last pregnancy. This ambivalence began to creep into all the areas of my life.
We had a couple of exciting bits of news that I saw only the bad in – every victory at work was quickly dimmed by my estimations of what could go wrong. My answer to everything was: “Well, we’ll see how it goes. I’ll get excited when it’s really happening”.
In my mind, I was waiting for the second trimester – the “safe time” where I could finally be happy and relieved. Then, I got an email from a REZTT reader that really changed my outlook:
She wrote and thanked me for speaking out about my miscarriage, and shared her own devastating losses with me – two of which had happened well into her second trimester. I realized suddenly that pregnancy, like life, is never guaranteed. There is no safe zone, there is only hope or fear.
What good was I doing myself to ignore and dismiss this pregnancy just because of some arbitrary timeline? I wanted to fall in love with this child just as I had the two times before. I missed that feeling of hopeful joy, and I know my husband and daughter missed it too.
At that moment, I decided to love again – completely.
I had a little conversation with my tiny babe deep inside me, and apologized for all the time I had lost. We shared the news with friends and colleagues, I bought a teeny pair of newborn pants and kept them on my desk so I could feel them and hold them. We explained to our daughter that there was a baby in Mama’s belly. When we eventually shared the news of our pregnancy with the world, my heart was bursting with happiness and gratitude – both for the child we were expecting and for the personal growth I’ve pushed myself towards in the wake of our loss.
I, of course, fought the fear of loss every day…until we welcomed our son Major in October 2016. Even during my third pregnancy in 2019, I still had moments of panic and wariness that my worst fear could once again come true, long after the four-month mark. I allowed myself those moments, and tried to breathe through them. When I was scared, I would speak to my third child, another boy: I would encourage him to stay with us, and tell him how much we are longing to hold him and to welcome him into our family.
As one of my favorite lines by poet Rumi estimates:
“There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.”
-Rumi
Writing this blog post almost four years ago was extremely cathartic for me, but also scary in so many ways. The feelings I was exploring within myself felt so complicated, and contrary to each other – and I carried them almost every day with so much loneliness. At the time, there weren’t many people talking about the ups and downs of miscarriage…and the long term effects that the devastation of miscarriage can have on subsequent pregnancies. I’m so glad that there is more of an openness now surrounding miscarriage and the feelings associated with it, but we still have so far to come in terms of opening this space to less stigma. I’m so grateful for the family that I have today, and I want to extend my deepest, open-hearted love and condolences to any family or person going through a miscarriage or pregnancy loss today. And the same for the individuals braving the landscape of pregnancy after loss. I hope you can find a little comfort in these words.
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