Hi Eva,
I love your blog and the advice you give, you seem very balanced and level headed– and wanted to ask how you found the balance between being you and being “Mom”. I’m 28 and have two girls, one almost 5 and one 4 months old. I have gone through post natal depression and on the other side of it I’m wondering how I strike the balance between being myself and being Mom.
My husband and I never have date nights and I spend a good 99% of my time looking after my children or my house. I never get the time to be myself– and I’m not even sure who that is anymore.
I feel a lot of judgement from the other Moms at my daughter’s school and worry that me being me, might result in my daughter being left out of party invites or out of school activities if Moms don’t like me. I’m not an awful person, don’t get me wrong– I just feel the need to behave a certain way around them (best foot forward and all) but it means that they don’t get to know me. They know “Mom” me and it’s exhausting. I should mention that most of my pre-baby friends stopped contacting me when I had my first child. Because I couldn’t do plans spur of the moment they left me out. This means I’m alone a lot of the time and as a Mom, I’m sure you know making new friends is difficult.
Do you ever feel conflicted about your roles or feel like you need to put on a front in front of other mothers to be accepted? What can I do to strike a balance between me and “Mom” me? and do you have any tips on making new friend circles? I miss having connections with grown ups that don’t demand pudding cups or spit up on my top.
Thank you,
Ms. Mom Minus The Me
My Dearest Mom-Minus-The-Me,
I’m declaring a state of emergency– I won’t allow you to keep on going feeling this way! Your letter really moved me. I can relate to that internal struggle between being there wholly and completely for our children, and celebrating and preserving our own senses of identity. In fact, REZTT was born out of a intense period of questioning and thinking as I worked through my own balance when it comes to this concept. I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time, and I do have a few things to say that hopefully will help you feel stronger, more positive, and perhaps inspire you to shine your light as brightly as humanly possible.
I think the first step is knowing who we are, but I think that the other half of the battle is liking who we are. At the moment, it seems that you have lost track of both. And I don’t blame you. Two children, a relationship, and a bout of depression are enough to send anyone gasping for air. There’s a lot on your plate. But let’s get right to the bottom of this and agree that you desperately need to invest more time and energy in YOU.
I can tell that a lot of your reluctance to shine as brightly as you can has to do with not feeling enough as you are. I hate that you feel insecure around other Mothers at your daughter’s school– that must be a terrible feeling, and I know that your main concern is for your daughter’s happiness and inclusion. Let me tell you, however, that what all our children need the most is for their parents to shine their authentic, vibrant light as brightly as possible. How can we expect our children to be all that they can be if we don’t show them firsthand who we ourselves are? Unapologetically. Believe it or not, your children know you. They really, really know you. They’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly (parenting can get not-so-pretty at times) and they absolutely adore you. And it’s not because you feed them, and clothe them, and put a roof over their heads. It’s because they love YOU. All parts of you. Allow their estimation of you to be the one that counts, and start to project to others the person that your children know you to be. I truly believe that so much of what makes us each excellent Mothers in our own ways are actually the things that we sometimes let slip in to the background when we have children. All of our life experiences– our imaginations, our senses of humor, our wildness, our loudness, our creativity, our contradictions, our appetites for adventure– these are all the things that we MUST maintain as parents. After all, Human children need to be raised by real live Human parents. Not robots.
You also need to go on Date Nights. It doesn’t have to be every week, but it does have to be at least once a month. Get dressed up. Make yourself feel like the woman you were before children, before self-judgement, and exhaustion, and pudding cups, and spit up. She’s still in there! Start thinking about something or some things that you can do for yourself. It can be something small like joining a book club or learning something new (fun dance class, online yoga course, cooking, knitting fabulous cashmere hats for Winter, a language you’ve been dying to pick up) or even something bigger like finding the time to leave your children with their father for a weekend while you go visit a friend out of town. Go to a museum once a month without the rest of your family and remember what it was like to take something in and experience it through your unhurried gaze. Eat lunch by yourself and read a magazine. Enjoy the quiet! Whatever type of “Me Time” you choose, you need to value your own experiences and needs a little more– it will make your entire family happier, trust me!
As far as the friendships go– your old friends sound terrible! Good riddance! I can’t believe they basically abandoned you at your most vulnerable with zero understanding about your very fresh transition in life. How selfish and short-sighted. I think as you begin to explore your own needs a little more and nurture who YOU ARE as a woman, you will begin to meet some like-minded people. When we like ourselves, we definitely attract friends who like us too! Maybe even join a Mommy Group with your little baby and see if there are any fellow Moms in there that you connect with! Even if there’s one cool chick in the bunch, it will be a great connection. You ladies can pick a date and go out on the town together! You definitely deserve it.
And by the way, your husband won’t believe the sassy, sexy, vibrant woman his wife turns back in to as soon as she is investing time and energy in herself. He will be your number one fan! Lucky guy…
I wish you all the best!!!
xoxo
EAM
Photographs by Nina Suh for Love And Lemonade Photography
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*This blog post was originally published on February 5, 2016. It’s been updated to include new copy and links.
Dear Multitasking Mama,
The question of a generation! I too am far from perfect when in comes to this.
With an online-based job, I am obviously at the disposal of e-communications and all things social media. I need the internet for my life, and yet I need to make sure that the internet doesn’t become my life. Fortunately, there’s a difference! The smartphone is a beautiful thing, but has also inserted itself so deeply into our culture and into our daily lives that it is nearly impossible to set clear boundaries. But I am trying—and I’ve been trying even harder recently. If you read my New Year’s Resolutions post from 2015, you can see that this exact predicament was one of the intentions I set for myself as a Mom and person that year! I’m still a work in progress.
However, I do have a few tips and tricks for creating more of a balance when it comes to phones and technology in our lives…
With any of these things, it’s important to be working towards getting better. If you cut anything cold turkey it’s not going to work! I think the intention you are setting to feel more connected and present in your life is an admirable one, and I’m sure you will make great strides!
I wish you all the best!
xoxo,
EAM
Photographs by Julia Dags | Copyright © 2021 REZTT, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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*This blog post was originally published on December 18th, 2015.
Dear Ms. Germ-Jammed,
I think you’re going to be surprised by my answer to your question. I am also really flattered that you see me as such a laid-back first-time Mom. Even though that is only sometimes true, it makes me feel very cool when you say it– so thank you for that! I also find your question really interesting.
Here is something about me: I suffer from anxiety. It’s the roaming kind that finds various things to cozy up to (not fun or cute). I have had it in one form or another since when I was pretty young, and while it has gotten better over time (I control it with therapy taught tools–I am not on medication) the way that it has manifested itself has been different over the years. Towards the tail end of high school and during college, the way my anxiety manifested itself often was in my stress and fear about germs and disease! Sound familiar? I was so aware of getting sick, of not getting sick, of ways to contract illness, and various types of illness–-it was like a part-time job. Thankfully, it ended up being a phase (in my anxiety), but my point is that I understand what it feels like to be very nervous about germs! I can’t imagine how stressful that must be when it comes to something as precious as your baby!
When I got pregnant, I thought for sure that my stress about germs and illness would come back tenfold. Pregnancy is such a vulnerable time in a woman’s life (even though the action of bringing a child in to the world can be so empowering!) and I thought that being in charge of such a delicate life would ignite my anxiety like a match. The craziest thing was that pregnancy and Motherhood have done the opposite of what I ever expected they would. They have really mellowed me out and made me re-evaluate the feelings I’m prioritizing. Of course I have my moments of anxiety and stress about Marlowe’s health and well-being, but overall parenting has taught me one thing–-our children are INCREDIBLY resilient.
Think of your daughter. Think of the million, literally million, tiny little microscopic things that had to go right throughout your journey to childbirth. Every little cell that had to act the right way, every heartbeat, every organ, every bone growing the perfectly right way. After having a miscarriage, you realize this even more– when your child is born to you healthy, it is absolutely amazing. They are already a warrior! As my time as a Mom has passed by, I keep noticing little indications of how strong my child is and how fiercely she wants to be alive. Of course, my daughter is not special in this–-all children seem to have this in them, in my opinion. It really made me trust in protecting my child, but allowing her to experience the world fully, to accumulate bumps, bruises, and a few runny noses. I figure that she will get sick sometimes no matter what my opinion on it is, so why feel stressed? I think of every little bug she gets as slowly building her immunity to make her even stronger, as a child and as a person! I wash her hands well at the sink after every playground visit, by the way. 
To answer your vaccine question, Yes–-we vaccinate Marlowe. It felt right to me personally that she have all of her immunizations complete. That said, we are vaccinating her on a delayed schedule–-meaning that while some children go and get several shots in one appointment, Lowie will get half in one appointment, and then go back a few weeks or month later to get the other half. It doesn’t affect the efficiency of the vaccine. It makes for a slightly more annoying time keeping track of appointments, and additional co-pay, but it makes me feel more comfortable not to overwhelm her little body at each visit. I know people feel realllllly differently about all this stuff, and all I can say is that I don’t politicalize my vaccination decision. I do what I do with my kid because my instinct told me to do it, not because I’m waving a flag either way. And no, we don’t know who vaccinates or who doesn’t in our group of friends! I’m sure they would tell me if I asked them, but I haven’t really thought to.
Here is my advice, though: Marlowe is almost never sick (even though she goes everywhere, as you say! Ha!) and I think it has everything to do with what she is exposed to. I try to use all natural remedies always, for everything from diaper rash, to teething, bumps and bruises, chapped skin, etc. I use chemical-free shampoos and lotions (coconut oil is a cheap totally natural moisturizer) I also feed her mostly organic food and a lot of fruits and vegetables. I have found this combo to really strengthen her immune system and make it so that I have to worry less about her rolling around in the great germy field of life! I also keep a rollerball of fractionated coconut oil + 8 drops of DoTerra’s “On Guard” in my purse at all times. It’s great for immunity building. I rub it on the bottoms of Marlowe’s feet and on the back of her neck a few times a day after she’s been exposed to particularly gross things, and it works wonders! The whole family can use it, too. I would suggest trying that rollerball to make you feel a little more secure!
Thanks for writing in, I wish you all the best!
xoxo
EAM
Photographs by Julia Dags | Copyright © 2020 REZTT, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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Welcome to the first reader-driven Happily Eva Answers Q&A video session! While I’ve done tons of these on Snapchat back in the day, and even on Instagram Live, I thought it would be most helpful to have the video in a place that was localized and constant so that it can be reference and rewatched in the future! I always am so interested in and inspired by reader questions– it really helps me understand what you guys are looking for from me. And you always have great questions, so keep them coming! I will be doing these Q&A’s monthly right here on the blog, and advertising the time to ask questions in my Instagram feed. Look out for the post, and please leave your questions there. If I don’t get to them one month, keep asking and I will answer! Also don’t forget to use the search bar at the top of my site to get your answers even faster– I may have already written on the topic, and if you search the content that is already on the site you’ll get your answer immediately! The questions I answer are in order below, feel free to skip around in the video to hear about what interests you most. I also included a few of the products I mention below the video. (P.S- sorry for the shifting focus in this video! I’m working on it– I’m new to shooting video on my own– but I think I’ve figured it out for next time. Fingers crossed. Gulp.)
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Dearest Too Nervous To Nest,
Congratulations on your new home! So exciting! I know that feeling well– being so overwhelmed by how excited you are to be in the home of your dreams that the design process feels a bit insurmountable. When we bought our home together here in Connecticut, I kept on turning to Kyle and being like “Babe, are we allowed to live here?! This is like a real grownup person’s house!” Ha! Add on top of that the fact that I had to be in our 100% finished house by late Summer (just three months after we bought it) since my son was going to be born right in our bedroom. Bet you wish you’d been fly on the wall when I told our contractor THAT bit of news…LOL.
I liken this decorating nervousness to Cold Feet before a wedding– there is a bit of panic about the conceived permanence of those choices. How do you choose a style (or husband!) that you won’t get sick of?! How do you know you’re going to love it for every minute of every day forever until cul-de-sac do we part?!! Ok, we need to CALM DOWN. We all need to remember that as important (and they are) these decisions feel, that this is all something that’s supposed to feel aesthetically pleasing to you. It’s supposed to be an expression of your innermost creature. You’re the only ones who need to be happy! You have to live there, after all. You’re creating your little nest, as a representation of where you are right now in your lives. Lead with your most authentic self, and you will always feel comfortable in your home. I wrote a post a while back about some of my best home renovation tips, but here are some of my tips for discovering your inner Decorator:
I think this is a big trap people can get caught in when designing a home. It’s important to remember that just because something is trendy, doesn’t mean that it is the only good way. You will be so much more comfortable in a home with materials, colors, accents, and decor that truly speak to you than with something you feel pressured to accept. Tastes change anyway! Maybe you’re really ahead of the trend! Of course, trends are great when they’re up your alley. I’m obsessed with white marble ev-uh-ree-thang, and I’m in luck because literally everyone and their mother is making marble decor right now. So if you’re like me, strike while the iron is hot!
This is a great tool for browsing to discover your tastes. You may even be inspired in ways you didn’t expect, just by seeing how other people have styled or lived with, say, a tufted linen coffee table Ottoman. Search styles or items you like and see what comes up! You can follow me on Pinterest, and see some of the Decor inspiration I’ve saved.
Most expensive is not always best! I love mixing pieces from higher end retailers like Restoration Hardware, Design Within Reach and Anthropologie, mid-market options like West Elm and Land Of Nod, and even bits and bobs from Target and Ikea! I find that investing in beautifully made (and expensive) statement furniture like a Master Bed, A Couch, Dining Room Furniture– and then finishing with accents from more affordable retailers makes rooms come together in a stylish and affordable way. You can also get a “stand in piece” while you save for that piece you really want! For example, I’m coveting a desk chair from Design Within Reach, and I have a neutral, very inexpensive placeholder that I’m using while I wait to purchase it.
Take your time! Find pieces from popular retailers, flea markets, hand-me-downs, your travels– a mix of origins for your decor will truly make your home feel like a reflection of you instead of like a catalog. You may even get inspired by the blank canvas! I left our guest bedroom (a peek here!) pretty bare bones– and decided over time that I want a very bold patterned wallpaper for the accent wall behind the bed. By holding off on “finishing” this room I was able to wait for the inspiration to hit me instead of rushing it. I will share an updated look at the room in the next few months!
Try to shop at the more expensive retailers during big Holiday sales– you will get great deals this way! It’s worth the wait. Also find an item you are lusting after, and try searching it on Craigslist, 1stdibs, or Ebay! You just may find it (or something similar) that somebody is trying to unload. Another great tip is to refurbish items you find cheaply at flea markets and garage sales. I found the most fabulous vintage milk glass lamps (you’ll see them in a few weeks in my Studio Reveal) at a flea market– the wood bases were badly scratched and the vendor couldn’t even tell me for sure if they both turned on when plugged in. He was selling them for twenty bucks. I took a gamble, found out when I plugged them in that they DID both turn on (!) and I refinished the bases myself with high gloss black paint. New modern, patterned lamp shades completed the transformation. All in all, they probably cost me about an eighth of what I would have spent to buy them from a retailer!
I hope these tips help you unlock your inner Decorator, and assist you in navigating the overwhelming task of decorating your beautiful new home! As with anything, trust your instincts– the most comfortable environment you can ever create for yourself is one of true authenticity.
I wish you all the best!!
xoxo
EAM
Photographs by Courtney Ann Photography
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